You know how it is…. Sometimes you feel so much love for your boyfriend or husband you want to eat his face; other times, you’d like to kick him in the teeth. Well, feeling both love and hate (yep, actual hate) is totally normal. That’s because the same area of your brain that activates mushy feelings is also responsible for producing rage — which helps explain why even happy couples are destined to fight from time to time.
Arguing can be a sign that your relationship is strong and passionate, and that you’re comfortable enough to express negative feelings without fear of losing each other in the process. Still, there are right and wrong ways to resolve disagreements. Let me break it down…
Put your brain in gear before you put your mouth in motion… Listen!
If you find yourself sounding like a play list on repeat, try pressing pause. Unhappy couples tend to repeat themselves out of desperation to be heard, which isn’t productive. They wind up talking at each other instead of having a dialogue.
“Who are you calling lazy?!“……Don’t make it personal!
In the heat of an argument, the gloves often come off. The problem is that once nasty insults start flying around and feelings are hurt, nothing will be resolved. Our brains have a built-in negativity bias, which causes us to be more responsive to unpleasant news. That’s why you need to minimize the negative impact of your words. Remember, the goal isn’t to upset each other, it’s to resolve an issue. So instead of exclaiming “You’re so lazy!” tell him how his actions affect you. Try, “I get tired of planning everything for us and wish you would take over sometimes.”
“I‘m right and you are wrong!”…..Stop trying to figure out who wins!
It may be a lovers’ quarrel, but victory isn’t declared when one of you staggers back to the bedroom, clutching your wounded heart in your hands. People often fixate on who’s right, which distracts them from finding a solution. Conflicts are resolved quickly and more successfully when neither party feels compelled to proclaim, “See that? I’m right!”
For starters, find something you both can agree on (even if it means admitting that, OK, maybe you do send him a few too many texts while he’s out with his friends). Then focus on finding a happy medium. For example, say, “I know it annoys you when I bombard you with text messages, but I get worried when you take forever to reply. Let’s find a way to handle this so that we’re both comfortable.” This way, there’s much less toddler-like head butting.
“I know I’m a jerk but kiss me anyway.”… Remember you’re a couple!
We know this is a tall order, but if you can express positive emotions during an argument, you’ll have a more satisfying relationship two or three years down the road. When couples are able to communicate closeness, affection (for example, a touch on the arm or the cheek), and even humor in the midst of an argument, the impact of harsher words is diminished. Positive interactions say that you still like and love each other, and you’re committed to the relationship even in the worst of times.
You can even go a step further by incorporating some playful ribbing: Couples who lightly tease each other during a conflict wind up feeling more in love when the disagreement finally blows over. It may mean using funny nicknames for each other or making a self-deprecating joke. Just steer clear of comments that may wound your egos, such as negative remarks about intelligence, personal hygiene, or bedroom behavior.
It comes down to this: Even though your guy has the ability to drive you up the wall sometimes, at the end of the day you really do love the big jerkface — and if you can remember this during the toughest moments together, your bond will remain strong.
Ladies: Here are three phrases no guy wants to hear…
These complaints will escalate any argument to a full-blown brawl. Don’t say I didn’t warn you!
1. “Ugh, why do men always do that?”
Anytime you fling a gender stereotype at a guy, he’ll feel as if he can’t win. By categorizing him as “all men,” you defeat him individually. And when a man feels as though he can’t win, he’ll give up on trying to do the right thing, because he’ll feel as if there’s no point.
2. “You hang out with your friends too much.”
It sounds needy and whiny, plus when a man hears it, he’ll feel as if he has to choose between love and freedom. No one should feel trapped. Focus on how much time he’s investing in you. If you’re getting as much as his friends are — if not more — then you’re in a good place.
3. “Don’t make promises you can’t keep.”
When men feel as though they don’t have the option to (ever) change their mind about plans you make together, they may wind up avoiding a commitment at all. If your guy has a history of going back on his word, that’s one thing, but when you’re flexible about plans, he’ll want to stick to them.
Here is a cheat sheet lovers! Thank me later….
Be Respectful… Don’t call names, use sarcasm or belittle your mate. Never put each other down — know that to hurt one’s partner is to hurt oneself. If you relapse into harsh words then immediately apologize.
Keep the problem the problem… Do not personalize it. Attack the problem not the person. Maintain ownership of your part of the disagreement. Use “I” or “we” statements instead of “you” statements.
Stay on one subject… If the fight is about a mother-in-law, then stay on that subject until there is some kind of resolution. Don’t bring in other problems like money, drinking, etc. Handle one problem at a time.
Use time-outs as needed… If tempers are flaring and you find yourself losing control put the argument on “hold” or call a “time-out” and agree to meet back at a specific time when things have calmed down a little. It may help to do some physical activity like walking around the block or taking a shower to calm tempers.
Listen for understanding… Make a real effort to try and understand each other. Remember all of us want to be listened to. We want and need to feel that what we have to say is important and that our thoughts and opinions are of value.
Don’t mind read your partner… by assuming that you know what they are thinking or feeling. Always ask your partner what they think and feel because feelings and thoughts change over time.
Try to see things from your partner’s point of view… as if you were walking in their shoes with their feelings and background. It doesn’t mean you have to agree with them. When you validate your partner’s feelings by acknowledging his/her viewpoint you open the door for the same in return and then both of you will be more willing to solve the problems together.
Seek to solve the problem… Work as a team. Don’t bring in others (family, friends, etc.) to gang up on your partner. Use this phrase during an argument: “What can we do together to solve this problem? I am willing to do the following…” Then state what you are willing to do and then do it.
Forgive and accept each other… Truth can be spoken in love, when partners are bound together in forgiveness. We all need and want forgiveness. Remember the disagreement belongs to both of you.
Lastly….Work on your own self-esteem. The better you feel the more love you can give and receive. Laugh as much as you breathe and love as long as you live!
Take each other for better or for worse but never for granted!
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