by Dr. Sarah Hatcher

If you’re like most women, you sometimes wish for a guide map to being in love. Impossible to live with or without, men are often almost incomprehensible to women, particularly when it comes to relationships. We are often told that chivalry is dead and that love and romance are nothing but pipe dreams. On the other hand, we hear that some men are incapable of dealing with strong modern women and that they wish we would simply go back to being helpless and dependent. These conflicting messages make it difficult to determine if falling in love is actually possible.
Compounding this confusion is the fact that dating in the modern world is anything but cut and dry. At one time, it was expected that couples were simply dating or not dating. Relationships followed a linear path from one date to many dates to “dating.” Dating implied exclusivity and monogamy. Now we toss around terms like “hooking up” and “friends with benefits” and earnestly discuss the benefits of polygamy.

In this type of confused environment, it is easy to wonder how anyone ever manages to create a successful relationship. You may start to feel like you need a road map. These feelings of frustration are quite normal and understandable. It is impossible to guarantee that any particular relationship will work out in the way that you want. Nonetheless, the following tried and true guidelines will give you the best chance for turning a new relationship into the one you want. .

1. Maintain your independence. This cannot be stressed enough. Early in a relationship, your hormones and biochemical responses will go crazy. No matter how smart and independent you normally are, this physiological mechanism will compel you to begin spending all of your time with your new love. You will think about him constantly and feel the urge to withdraw from everything else in your life in order to focus on him. While these feelings are normal and primal, acting on them is not smart. Men are hard-wired differently than women, and your drawing too close too soon may make him feel trapped. You do not want to jeopardize the relationship by appearing clingy or dependent. Continue your normal activities, including spending time with your friends, going to the gym, or whatever you did before you met him.

2. Make him feel important. While no man wants you to appear needy or desperate, no man wants to feel that he doesn’t matter at all. When you are with him, turn off your cell phone. Be on time for dates. Return his calls within a reasonable amount of time. Remember things that you talked about on one date and ask follow-up questions on the next date. Following a few simple courtesies will allow you to express his importance in your life.

3. Be intriguing. He would not have asked you out in the first place if he didn’t find you fascinating. Yet a woman’s instinct is often to share too much too soon. It ‘s normal to want to bring a new love into your confidence. However, if the relationship becomes long term, you will have the rest of your life to deal with the not-so-sexy realities of life. In the beginning, maintain a certain aura of mystery by not telling him every little thing about you and your daily life. Don’t lie, of course, but don’t give in to the urge to bare your soul about anything and everything.

4. Take care of yourself. The woman that your man met is the same woman that he wants to keep. Thinking that you can let yourself slide because your man “isn’t going anywhere” is your first class ticket to being alone. You must keep your man wanting and desiring only you.

5. Take your time with physical intimacy. Remember the “bases” in middle school? There is a reason those bases were carefully defined. Letting the physical side of your relationship develop gradually over time accomplishes a number of goals. It allows you to focus on getting to know each other in nonsexual ways. It allows you to build trust before intimacy. It also allows the two of you to get to know each other’s bodies slowly.

6. Discuss your individual futures. A discussion about your futures shouldn’t be a relationship discussion. Rather, take the time to learn what each of you truly wants as an individual. Too often, we begin relationships that are doomed to fail simply because each partner wants something very different out of life. This can lead to resentment and bitterness as compromises are forced. If you both know what each partner wants from the beginning, you have a much better chance of developing a relationship that truly works with both partners’ life goals.

7. Don’t make assumptions. Never assume that the relationship is exclusive unless it has been directly stated. Do not assume without asking that your partner will be available to escort you to an event. Do not drop in on him at work or stop by his house without asking in advance. Even if he gives you a key to his place, at the beginning it is polite to let him know that you plan to come by. Doing otherwise is rude and sends the signal that you are unconcerned about his plans.

8. Get to know him. So often, we are too busy making sure we are witty and beautiful and interesting that we forget that our partner is also a complex human being. You don’t have to memorize a list, but become familiar with his likes and dislikes, his moods and his fears. Knowing your partner as a whole complicated individual will allow you to deal with his downside from a place of understanding. This will shine through the entire relationship.

9. Suggest creative and action-oriented dates. While you don’t want to move from girlfriend material to activity partner, many men are used to being active and have trouble spending hours just sitting and talking. Create bonding opportunities by teaching him to dance or having him teach you rock climbing. Whatever the specific activities are, those shared moments will draw the two of you closer together.

10. Be yourself. This is the most important of all. Down the road, if you have made him fall in love with an illusion, he will be understandably angry and disappointed. Let him know who you are from the beginning and never apologize for being yourself. He will respect you much more for being honest.

Obviously, there is no guarantee that this will work in every situation. Sometimes a guy simply is not interested in you. In those cases, you should be able to gracefully withdraw and move on. If the initial interest is there, then I wish you the best of luck in taking your relationship to the next level…

An average Joe meets the perfect woman, but his lack of confidence and the influence of his friends and family begin to pick away at the relationship.

I always hear women say that men aint shit. Yet, the vast majority of these women probably should have never have spoken to these men that they say aint shit. The signs no matter how much smoke the gentleman generates to throw them off of their true character are still present. It would seem that the lady decides to continue until they are “Sleeping with a broken heart”. Then there are those women who are with a dude and that guy seems to be able to do everything short of having sex on ustream and the woman keeps taking him back. I just want to know.. like seriously why do they stay?

Ladies if you meet a dude and he has girl that you know of annnnnnd he does things with you that if you were his girl would upset you why do you think that you are “THE ONE”? I honestly think that all dudes who are in relationships and seek to date others are not “bad guys” That guy should take steps to ensure that you know his situation and he shouldnt do things with you that he would do with his girl friend. If you and him feel a connection before any single dates, sexual innendos and/or actual sex takes place he needs to break up with his current boo. Even then you shouldnt give him the privelge of your company out right. Date like normal people and see what develops. The difference between a guy who does this and a guy who doesnt are a couple of things that are important to all relationships; honesty, communication and respect. So respect yourself and make sure he respects your mind and body.

I know a few females who shall remain nameless who have been in on and off relationships for years and are either simply comfortable, scared of being alone and/or brainwashed. I want you do a test, (not responsible if you break something) go in your closet and flick the switch on and off on the light in your closet. I bet that bulb burns out after a while. The same thing probably happens to your heart with the constant flipping of that relationship switch. Everyone makes mistakes, but only someone who doesnt care makes the same mistakes over and over again. In the NBA you get a certain amount of fouls before you are kicked out of the game and some fouls are so bad players can be kicked out for just one. Once a player gets close to fouling out the coach benches the player to give them time to get their head back in the game. So has your guy committed a foul, been benched and then allowed back on the court only to foul out of the game shortly after returning? Why keep this player on your team and not pick up better player during the off season? WHY STAY?

Whether you women realize it or not, you control the entire relationship from start to finish. You set yourself up for either success or failure. When you decided to either start something new or continue something that is bad look it will work something like this.. Your relationship is a seed and if you either plant that seed in poisonous ground and/or allow any old pesticides to be used I doubt that that plant will last long or be healthy if it grows. However if you plant that seed and work healthy soil that seed has the potential to grow into one of those big ass California Red woods.

If i didnt pay rent for my apartment, I couldnt stay right? So if he aint paying your emotional, intellectual, spiritual (if you are spiritual) and physical invoices….. HOW CAN YOU STAY?

Awwww, you think she interested and the feelings are mutual from you. One or more issues make simply dating like normal people impossible. (She may have a boo whom is not treating her right and/or others are perusing her at the same time.) This may take a lot of effort on your part, so make sure she is worth the amount of energy that you will expend during the chase. First of all, the amount of money you spend is not as important as how you spend  whatever money you decide to spend. Spend Wisely. Wiley Coyote maxed out his credit cards buying Acme products trying catch that Road Runner and we all know that ended right. , You cant worry about what your friends will say because they asses probably single too. The effort needed to successfully catch her will probably at worst get you teased.

Now that the basics are out the way lets move on to the next phase of ensnaring your prey. (Im going say this again for the slow people. This will only work if she has some interest in you. If you want to learn to seduce someone, may I suggest Robert Greene’s book The Art of Seduction.)

Converse with her to discover things that you two may have in common and develop a friendship. Be careful that you arent too friendly because you may get stuck in that box. The friendship box isnt a bad thing, it just ends your chase.  After you two have become friends start trying to hang out one on one in more romantic settings. If she accepts your invitation then you have a chance, if she declines you may have been placed in the friend box. Stop here.

Communication is key. Just like those kids in school who thought were too cool and are now doing nothing life, if you do the same as them in the communication department… well.  You are not in the “Why U” phrase. She is making case to further things, cut you lose or put you in that friend box. So you have to make you case to her. A text message, email, tweet, phone call or something that lets her know you are on her mind will go a long way here. DO NOT DO ALL OF THE ABOVE EVERYDAY…you dont want to her to drop you right? If she notices enjoys, looks forward too and/or notices when you dont hit her proceed. If she is indifferent you are probably in the friend box. Stop here.

The little things matter. If you truly care you will remember important dates and events in her life. Acknowledging these milestones before others will go a long way in her mind. Its easy to remember something that you both want to do or enjoy.. its is another thing all together to remember something  may only be important to her. Failure to remember these little details, esp. if she likes you, will get you dropped or have you placed on that dreaded friend box. You are almost there be careful to remember the previous two paragraphs, they all work together.

By now you should either know if its going to work or not. You should start seeing signs that things are turning in your favor. If you do not see things coming together, if she is worth it keep trying. If she has told you that she can see you two only as friends and are comfortable settling and/or you feel the same way…. STOP HERE.

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Disclaimer: Just to clear up any misunderstandings. Im putting in my effort because I want too. You know who you are. That is all.

Enjoy

Yeah Buddy

Seriously you shouldnt need a Hallmark Holiday to show that special someone in your life that you care. If the success of your gift depends on how much you have to spend then you need to reconsider… read some literature. Here is a test, everything that she likes find the cheapest way to get it and see how it goes over. If she realizes that you remembered all her favorite things than she is a keeper. If she is upset over the quality of the gifts than you may need to find somebody else.

In closing whatever you do decide to do have fun, be safe and use protection.

PS. I need a  Valentine. Valentine’s day is  groupie/bopper free time… so only real women need inquire. Want to know if you a real woman? Simple math Add up your number of sexual partners in the last year and then subtract the number of relationships you were in during those past months. If the difference is equal to three(3) or less… hit me. If That 1st number is greater than 6, go Away. You either or a freak or you fall in love to easy.

So the next time you are with your boo and he suggest a song that basically gives you detailed instructions on what to do and/or is some hard shit… remember most people dont listen to lyrics and just like when you dance.. if its fast you get just that… fast and rough. (if it works for you keep it moving) If you would like an alternative please try this…

Fellaz let me give you some game…. The more time you spend on foreplay… the better the experience and they will come back for more even if you off your game that night.

RIP Teddy P. (if you do not know who this is… go away) thanks