Wednesday Wisdom: Ending Relationships When Children Are Involved

Most of us are aware of the complexes that involve a relationship yet every one of us fall prey to it. Getting into a personal relationship is as easy as throwing a stone in a pond but walking out of it is very tough. To put an end to a bond which we had valued the most and sweeping all the wonderful memories under the carpet fills us with an inner guilt. To make the decision to end any relationship requires one to be psychologically and emotionally strong.

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Wednesday Wisdom: Lets Fight

You know how it is…. Sometimes you feel so much love for your boyfriend or husband you want to eat his face; other times, you’d like to kick him in the teeth. Well, feeling both love and hate (yep, actual hate) is totally normal. That’s because the same area of your brain that activates mushy feelings is also responsible for producing rage — which helps explain why even happy couples are destined to fight from time to time.

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Wednesday Wisdom: Lets Make A Love Deal (The Art of Compromise)

Compromise is certainly key in politics. But it’s no less key in relationships. Perhaps the main reason so many couples remain mired in power struggles is that they’re unable to grasp the elusive art of give-and-take. And the “my way or the highway” approach to solving relationship conflict is about as ludicrous as it is futile.

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Wednesday Wisdom: Dr Hatcher | That Thing (Falling in Love, Part 1 for the ladies)

That Thing (Falling in Love Part 1, For the Ladies)

by Dr. Sarah Hatcher

If you’re like most women, you sometimes wish for a guide map to being in love. Impossible to live with or without, men are often almost incomprehensible to women, particularly when it comes to relationships. We are often told that chivalry is dead and that love and romance are nothing but pipe dreams. On the other hand, we hear that some men are incapable of dealing with strong modern women and that they wish we would simply go back to being helpless and dependent. These conflicting messages make it difficult to determine if falling in love is actually possible.
Compounding this confusion is the fact that dating in the modern world is anything but cut and dry. At one time, it was expected that couples were simply dating or not dating. Relationships followed a linear path from one date to many dates to “dating.” Dating implied exclusivity and monogamy. Now we toss around terms like “hooking up” and “friends with benefits” and earnestly discuss the benefits of polygamy.

In this type of confused environment, it is easy to wonder how anyone ever manages to create a successful relationship. You may start to feel like you need a road map. These feelings of frustration are quite normal and understandable. It is impossible to guarantee that any particular relationship will work out in the way that you want. Nonetheless, the following tried and true guidelines will give you the best chance for turning a new relationship into the one you want. .

1. Maintain your independence. This cannot be stressed enough. Early in a relationship, your hormones and biochemical responses will go crazy. No matter how smart and independent you normally are, this physiological mechanism will compel you to begin spending all of your time with your new love. You will think about him constantly and feel the urge to withdraw from everything else in your life in order to focus on him. While these feelings are normal and primal, acting on them is not smart. Men are hard-wired differently than women, and your drawing too close too soon may make him feel trapped. You do not want to jeopardize the relationship by appearing clingy or dependent. Continue your normal activities, including spending time with your friends, going to the gym, or whatever you did before you met him.

2. Make him feel important. While no man wants you to appear needy or desperate, no man wants to feel that he doesn’t matter at all. When you are with him, turn off your cell phone. Be on time for dates. Return his calls within a reasonable amount of time. Remember things that you talked about on one date and ask follow-up questions on the next date. Following a few simple courtesies will allow you to express his importance in your life.

3. Be intriguing. He would not have asked you out in the first place if he didn’t find you fascinating. Yet a woman’s instinct is often to share too much too soon. It ‘s normal to want to bring a new love into your confidence. However, if the relationship becomes long term, you will have the rest of your life to deal with the not-so-sexy realities of life. In the beginning, maintain a certain aura of mystery by not telling him every little thing about you and your daily life. Don’t lie, of course, but don’t give in to the urge to bare your soul about anything and everything.

4. Take care of yourself. The woman that your man met is the same woman that he wants to keep. Thinking that you can let yourself slide because your man “isn’t going anywhere” is your first class ticket to being alone. You must keep your man wanting and desiring only you.

5. Take your time with physical intimacy. Remember the “bases” in middle school? There is a reason those bases were carefully defined. Letting the physical side of your relationship develop gradually over time accomplishes a number of goals. It allows you to focus on getting to know each other in nonsexual ways. It allows you to build trust before intimacy. It also allows the two of you to get to know each other’s bodies slowly.

6. Discuss your individual futures. A discussion about your futures shouldn’t be a relationship discussion. Rather, take the time to learn what each of you truly wants as an individual. Too often, we begin relationships that are doomed to fail simply because each partner wants something very different out of life. This can lead to resentment and bitterness as compromises are forced. If you both know what each partner wants from the beginning, you have a much better chance of developing a relationship that truly works with both partners’ life goals.

7. Don’t make assumptions. Never assume that the relationship is exclusive unless it has been directly stated. Do not assume without asking that your partner will be available to escort you to an event. Do not drop in on him at work or stop by his house without asking in advance. Even if he gives you a key to his place, at the beginning it is polite to let him know that you plan to come by. Doing otherwise is rude and sends the signal that you are unconcerned about his plans.

8. Get to know him. So often, we are too busy making sure we are witty and beautiful and interesting that we forget that our partner is also a complex human being. You don’t have to memorize a list, but become familiar with his likes and dislikes, his moods and his fears. Knowing your partner as a whole complicated individual will allow you to deal with his downside from a place of understanding. This will shine through the entire relationship.

9. Suggest creative and action-oriented dates. While you don’t want to move from girlfriend material to activity partner, many men are used to being active and have trouble spending hours just sitting and talking. Create bonding opportunities by teaching him to dance or having him teach you rock climbing. Whatever the specific activities are, those shared moments will draw the two of you closer together.

10. Be yourself. This is the most important of all. Down the road, if you have made him fall in love with an illusion, he will be understandably angry and disappointed. Let him know who you are from the beginning and never apologize for being yourself. He will respect you much more for being honest.

Obviously, there is no guarantee that this will work in every situation. Sometimes a guy simply is not interested in you. In those cases, you should be able to gracefully withdraw and move on. If the initial interest is there, then I wish you the best of luck in taking your relationship to the next level…

Wednesday Wisdom: Dr. Hatcher | Emotional Abuse

Understanding Emotional Abuse in Relationships

By Dr. Sarah Hatcher

No one intends to be in an abusive relationship, but individuals who were verbally abused by a parent or other significant person often find themselves in similar situations as an adult. If a parent tended to define your experiences and emotions, and judge your behaviors, you may not have learned how to set your own standards, develop your own viewpoints and validate your own feelings and perceptions. Consequently, the controlling and defining stance taken by an emotional abuser may feel familiar or even conformable to you, although it is destructive.

Recipients of abuse often struggle with feelings of powerlessness, hurt, fear, and anger. Ironically abusers tend to struggle with these same feelings. Abusers are also likely to have been raised in emotionally abusive environments and they learn to be abusive as a way to cope with their own feelings of powerlessness, hurt , fear, and anger. Consequently, abusers may be attracted to people who see themselves as helpless or who have not learned to value their own feelings, perceptions, or viewpoints. This allows the abuser to feel more secure and in control, and avoid dealing with their own feelings, and self-perceptions.

Emotional abuse victims can become so convinced that they are worthless that they believe that no one else could want them. They stay in abusive situations because they believe they have nowhere else to go. Their ultimate fear is being all alone.

Understanding the pattern of your relationships, specifically those with family members and other significant people, is a first step toward change. A lack of clarity about who you are in relationship to significant others may manifest itself in different ways. For example, you may act as an “abuser” in some instances and as a “recipient” in others. You may find that you tend to be abused in your romantic relationships, allowing your partners to define and control you. In friendships, however, you may play the role of abuser by withholding, manipulating, or trying to

“help” others, etc. Knowing yourself and understanding your past can prevent abuse from being recreated in your life. There are several types of emotional abuse to look out for. They are as follows:

Abusive Expectations

The other person places unreasonable demands on you and wants you to put everything else aside to tend to their needs.

It could be a demand for constant attention, or a requirement that you spend all your free time with the person.

But no matter how much you give, it’s never enough.

You are subjected to constant criticism, and you are constantly berated because you don’t fulfill all this person’s needs.

Aggressing

Aggressive forms of abuse include name-calling, accusing, blaming, threatening, and ordering. Aggressing behaviors are generally direct and obvious. The one-up position the abuser assumes by attempting to judge or invalidate the recipient undermines the equality and autonomy that are essential to healthy adult relationships. This parent-child pattern of communication (which is common to all forms of verbal abuse) is most obvious when the abuser takes an aggressive stance.

Aggressive abuse can also take a more indirect form and may even be disguised as “helping.” Criticizing, advising, offering solutions, analyzing, proving, and questioning another person may be a sincere attempt to help. In some instances however, these behaviors may be an attempt to belittle, control, or demean rather than help. The underlying judgmental “I know best” tone the abuser takes in these situations is inappropriate and creates unequal footing in peer relationships. This and other types of emotional abuse can lead to what is known as learned helplessness.

Constant Chaos

The other person may deliberately start arguments and be in constant conflict with others.

The person may be “addicted to drama” since it creates excitement.

Denying

Denying a person’s emotional needs, especially when they feel that need the most, and done with the intent of hurting, punishing or humiliating.

The other person may deny that certain events occurred or that certain things were said.

When the abuser is confronted about an incident of name calling, the abuser may insist, “I never said that,” “I don’t know what you’re talking about,” etc. You know differently.

The other person may deny your perceptions, memory and very sanity.

Withholding is another form of denying. Withholding includes refusing to listen, refusing to communicate, and emotionally withdrawing as punishment. This is sometimes called the “silent treatment.”

When the abuser disallows and overrules any viewpoints, perceptions or feelings which differ from their own.

Denying can be particularly damaging. In addition to lowering self-esteem and creating conflict, the invalidation of reality, feelings, and experiences can eventually lead you to question and mistrust your own perceptions and emotional experience.

Denying and other forms of emotional abuse can cause you to lose confidence in your most valuable survival tool: your own mind.

Dominating

Someone wants to control your every action. They have to have their own way, and will resort to threats to get it.

When you allow someone else to dominate you, you can lose respect for yourself.

Emotional Blackmail

The other person plays on your fear, guilt, compassion, values, or other “hot buttons” to get what they want.

This could include threats to end the relationship, totally reject or abandon you, giving you the “cold shoulder,” or using other fear tactics to control you.

Invalidation

The abuser seeks to distort or undermine the recipient’s perceptions of their world. Invalidating occurs when the abuser refuses or fails to acknowledge reality. For example, if the recipient tells the person they felt hurt by something the abuser did or said, the abuser might say “You are too sensitive. That shouldn’t hurt you.”

Minimizing

Minimizing is a less extreme form of denial. When minimizing, the abuser may not deny that a particular event occurred, but they question the recipient’s emotional experience or reaction to an event. Statements such as “You’re too sensitive,” “You’re exaggerating,” or “You’re blowing this out of proportion” all suggest that the recipient’s emotions and perceptions are faulty and not be trusted.

Trivializing, which occurs when the abuser suggests that what you have done or communicated is inconsequential or unimportant, is a more subtle form of minimizing.

Unpredictable Responses

Drastic mood changes or sudden emotional outbursts. Whenever someone in your life reacts very differently at different times to the same behavior from you, tells you one thing one day and the opposite the next, or likes something you do one day and hates it the next, you are being abused with unpredictable responses.

This behavior is damaging because it puts you always on edge. You’re always waiting for the other shoe to drop, and you can never know what’s expected of you. You must remain hyper vigilant, waiting for the other person’s next outburst or change of mood.

An alcoholic or drug abuser is likely to act this way. Living with someone like this is tremendously demanding and anxiety provoking, causing the abused person to feel constantly frightened, unsettled and off balance.

Verbal Assaults

Berating, belittling, criticizing, name calling, screaming, threatening

Excessive blaming, and using sarcasm and humiliation.

Blowing your flaws out of proportion and making fun of you in front of others. Over time, this type of abuse erodes your sense of self confidence and self-worth.

Do not allow anyone to emotionally abuse you, and do not let your experience with emotional abuse teach you how to treat others. Understand, respect, and love yourself so that you can do the same for your loved ones.

Best Regards,

Dr. Sarah Hatcher

Relationships: Why Stay

Would you stay in the building in the photo above? Dont worry we’ll wait. You wouldnt stay in a building that was not maintained, so why would you stay with someone who isnt?

I always hear women say that men aint shit. Yet, the vast majority of these women probably should have never have spoken to these men that they say aint shit. The signs no matter how much smoke the gentleman generates to throw them off of their true character are still present. It would seem that the lady decides to continue until they are “Sleeping with a broken heart”. Then there are those women who are with a dude and that guy seems to be able to do everything short of having sex on ustream and the woman keeps taking him back. I just want to know.. like seriously why do they stay?

Ladies if you meet a dude and he has girl that you know of annnnnnd he does things with you that if you were his girl would upset you why do you think that you are “THE ONE”? I honestly think that all dudes who are in relationships and seek to date others are not “bad guys” That guy should take steps to ensure that you know his situation and he shouldnt do things with you that he would do with his girl friend. If you and him feel a connection before any single dates, sexual innendos and/or actual sex takes place he needs to break up with his current boo. Even then you shouldnt give him the privelge of your company out right. Date like normal people and see what develops. The difference between a guy who does this and a guy who doesnt are a couple of things that are important to all relationships; honesty, communication and respect. So respect yourself and make sure he respects your mind and body.

I know a few females who shall remain nameless who have been in on and off relationships for years and are either simply comfortable, scared of being alone and/or brainwashed. I want you do a test, (not responsible if you break something) go in your closet and flick the switch on and off on the light in your closet. I bet that bulb burns out after a while. The same thing probably happens to your heart with the constant flipping of that relationship switch. Everyone makes mistakes, but only someone who doesnt care makes the same mistakes over and over again. In the NBA you get a certain amount of fouls before you are kicked out of the game and some fouls are so bad players can be kicked out for just one. Once a player gets close to fouling out the coach benches the player to give them time to get their head back in the game. So has your guy committed a foul, been benched and then allowed back on the court only to foul out of the game shortly after returning? Why keep this player on your team and not pick up better player during the off season? WHY STAY?

Whether you women realize it or not, you control the entire relationship from start to finish. You set yourself up for either success or failure. When you decided to either start something new or continue something that is bad look it will work something like this.. Your relationship is a seed and if you either plant that seed in poisonous ground and/or allow any old pesticides to be used I doubt that that plant will last long or be healthy if it grows. However if you plant that seed and work healthy soil that seed has the potential to grow into one of those big ass California Red woods.

If i didnt pay rent for my apartment, I couldnt stay right? So if he aint paying your emotional, intellectual, spiritual (if you are spiritual) and physical invoices….. HOW CAN YOU STAY?

PSA: Stop Fronting/Be Yourself

Why do people always want someone the can not have? I have no clue. I do not think there is anyone that i cant “have”. Its all about how much you want to be with that person and how much time and work you willing to put in to secure their affection. Truthfully I love a challenge, any type of challenge.

People have been telling me all my life how I should act, what I should and shouldnt do and/or lectured me about the real world. I do what I want how I want period, when given a choice in a matter at hand. Fun facts. I was a manager at Target before I was 20, I ran two video game stores before I was 23 and I was Store Manager of a CVS before 25 all while doing what the fuck I wanted to do.  Oh I almost forgot, I also was blessed to work and continue to work with some of the biggest names in entertainment. You can ask anyone who knew me in High School… I have not changed.. for better or worst I am me.

I said all that not to toot my own horn, but to prove a point. If you want something and work at it you can have it period. I would not change a moment of life… except going to college. My mother guilted me into it.

So back to the first topic. I have my eye on someone and well its complicated… but what in life isnt. I will put forth the same effort that has gotten me to where I am today into proving my worth and convincing her that its a smart move to draft me and let me start the game.

Fellaz, stop fronting like you dont like that special someone. You may miss out and be wondering why only get playing time with d-squad women. Sometimes you have to go out on a limb, but isnt that where the sweetest fruit grows?

Have faith in yourself, the potential for greatness is in us all. Faith without action is empty hope.

I wonder if she will read this?